This is an episode in the sitcom known as life itself that I have cherished since the very moment I saw it.

You might say, “Who cares about Stalin? There aren’t all that many Stalinists these days, anyway. Clearly, it is Hitler who won the contest for popularity among internet trolls – the only demographic that ever mattered.”

Yeah, okay, but should we not be just a little bit Carlylean in our judgement of history? Say what you will, Stalin played as significant a role in the 20th century as Hitler; he, too, was a Great Man of History.

Look: if I had evidence that Hitler banged a 13-year-old, I’d shove it so high up the Alt-Right’s ass it would be vomited out of its mouth. But I’ve got nothing on Hitler. Heck, there is no solid indication he even had sexual relations at all. None would be surprised if it turned out that he remained sexually volcel even while dating Eva Braun.

Stalin, now, that’s a completely different story.

The London-based Evening Standard reports:

In March 1914 Josef Stalin – a Georgian cobbler’s son known to friends as Soso and comrades as Koba – was sentenced for his revolutionary activities by the Tsar to exile close to the Arctic Circle in a tiny hamlet named Kureika.

The place was a freezing hellhole, an isolated twilight world cut off from humanity in winter by the daylong darkness.

In Kureika, only the reindeer, snowfoxes and Tungus indigenous tribesmen could really function in deep midwinter. Everyone wore reindeer fur.

The hamlet contained 67 villagers – 38 men and 29 women – all packed into just eight ramshackle izbas or wooden peasant shacks.

Among them were seven orphans from the same family – the Pereprygins – of whom the youngest was 13-year-old Lidia.

She immediately noticed Stalin, not just because of his good looks but also because he was hopelessly underdressed with only a light coat.

Before long, he was sporting the full local outfit – from boots to hat – of reindeer fur, all of it provided by Lidia Pereprygina.

Stalin in those days was slim, attractive, charming, an accomplished poet and educated in the priesthood, but also a pitiless Marxist terrorist and brutal gangster boss – a Red Godfather who had funded Lenin’s Bolsheviks with a series of audaciously bloody acts of bank robbery, piracy and racketeering.

Lidia was a schoolgirl orphan living on the remote frontier where girls matured early.

Some time in the early summer of 1914, the 35-year-old Stalin embarked on an affair with Lidia.

While not admitting to anything explicit in her memoirs, we catch a glimpse in them of Stalin and Lidia together staggering from drinking bout to drinking bout, because she writes of their drunken dancing and singsongs: “In his spare time, Stalin likes to go to evening dances – he could be very jolly too. He loved to sing and dance.”

These memoirs of Stalin’s 13-year-old mistress – recorded 20 years later at the height of his dictatorship, while she remained a Siberian housewife – were clearly constrained.

But they contain unmistakable innuendos: “He often liked to drop in on certain people,” says Lidia – by which she meant herself.

“And he also drank.”

Was this how he seduced her?

Stalin was guarded during his exile by a red-bearded, red-tempered policeman named Ivan Laletin.

Stalin had already escaped many times from previous exiles. Laletin soon became his enemy.

By summer, almost everyone must have known about the sexual affair between Lidia and Stalin – she started to slip more and more regularly into his lodgings.

The policeman probably saw his chance to nail the insolent Georgian and watched Stalin carefully, determined to catch him in bed with the 13-year-old.

“One day,” recalled Feodor Taraseev, the only villager who dared record the story, “Stalin was at home, working and not leaving the house.

“The policeman decided to check up on him. Without knocking on the door, he burst into the room.”

Stalin was “furious to be interrupted,” said Taraseev.

Almost certainly the policeman caught Stalin and Lidia in flagrante delicto.

Stalin’s immediate response was to attack the policeman, who drew his sabre. Stalin was wounded in the neck, which so inflamed him that reportedly “he kicked out the rogue!”

“We witnessed this scene,” says Taraseev.

“The policeman was running away towards the Yenisei River, cravenly waving his sabre in front of him while Comrade Stalin was pursuing him in a state of high excitement and fury, with his fists clenched.”

At the very time that Stalin was seducing Lidia, “the lights were going out all over Europe” as Britain and the Great Powers, including Russia, careered into World War I.

His future partners in the ‘Big Three’ of WWII were already established and distinguished: Franklin D. Roosevelt was on his way to becoming U.S. Secretary of the Navy while Winston Churchill was First Lord of the Admiralty.

Back in Siberia, the affair was no longer a secret. The statutory age of consent was 14, but it is clear from the KGB report that the sex between Stalin and Lidia was consensual.

The KGB chairman Ivan Serov explained: “J.V. Stalin started living together with her” – and this, he implied, was almost as shocking as the seduction.

Soon the news became even more jaw-dropping: Lidia was pregnant.

Stalin moved into the pitiful Pereprygin two-room shack. The lavatory was an outhouse where he used to take a rifle to scare the circling wolves.

At night, Lidia would creep into his room, recounts Stalin’s first biographer Essad Bey, who must have talked to fellow exiles.

Certainly she was not shy about recalling that “he wore white underwear and a sailorstriped vest,” as she confided to her interviewer in 1952, when Stalin was almost worshipped as a demi-god.

Lidia’s brothers were so furious about the pregnancy that they refused to eat with Stalin. Lidia had to cook for him on his own.

According to KGB boss Serov, policeman Laletin threatened “to instigate criminal proceedings for living together with an under-age girl. J.V. Stalin promised the policeman to marry Pereprygina when she came of age”.

So Stalin became engaged and the family, whether gratefully or begrudgingly, accepted the relationship.

In return, Stalin “shared his fish with them” as one of the family.

Indeed he treated Lidia almost as his young wife, entertaining at home and asking her to cook for his guests.

Stalin enjoyed the company of the shamanistic Tunguses and Ostiak tribesmen and learned to hunt and fish just like them. He still enjoyed partying, too.

“At the Taraseevs’ place, the young gathered in a circle for a party – Stalin danced in the middle beating time, then he started singing,” recalled a visitor to Kureika, Daria Ponamareva.

He also studied his Marxism, eagerly awaiting letters from Lenin.

Kureika, with its solitary hunting, its time to read and its young mistress, came to suit Stalin.

But all the time he knew his teenage fiancee was a transitory amusement to be abandoned by the wayside of his revolutionary mission.

The pregnancy was presumably an irritant, although locals recall Lidia was in love with Stalin.

Somewhere around December 1914, Lidia gave birth to a baby who died soon afterwards: Stalin made no comment but was definitely in Kureika at the time.

He survived the winter of 1915/16 there, too, living in a sooty, fuggy room in the Pereprygin house, and continuing the relationship.

In 1916, the Georgian lodger impregnated Lidia for the second time, and then typically made himself scarce. He escaped for the whole summer of 1916: where had he gone?

Most likely, his disappearance was connected with the pregnancy: locals claim he was devising a way to avoid marrying his pregnant mistress.

During my research, I discovered Stalin already had formed as a prolific lover and that he had often promised marriage, only to renege at the last minute.

Even in these years of penniless obscurity, he was never without at least one girlfriend – and often more.

Indeed in exile, he became astonishingly promiscuous: in Vologda, in an earlier exile, he had met a saucy runaway schoolgirl of 16 named Polia who was living with a revolutionary comrade.

Stalin and she began an affair: watching secret police codenamed her Glamourpuss.

Polia was one of the few people who understood how strange Stalin was and could tease him about it: she always called him Oddball Osip – Osip being a diminutive of Josef.

When they parted, he sent her a postcard of a couple passionately embracing and wrote: “I owe you a kiss for your kiss passed onto me. Let me kiss you now! I’m not simply sending you a kiss but am kissssssssing you passionately! (It’s not worth kissing any other way) – Josef.”

There was not much else to do in exile except drink, feud and fornicate, but Stalin had perfected all three pursuits.

He became engaged to at least three women, all of whom he abandoned. This shameless, caddish rogue seduced several landladies and usually their maids too, as well as a series of noblewomen and liberated revolutionary girls.

When he parted from one mistress, he managed to move in with another the next day, suggesting he was carrying on with several simultaneously.

His henchman Molotov recalled that, despite his pockmarks and freckles: “Women must have been enamoured by him because he was successful with them. He had honeycoloured eyes. They were beautiful.”

Indeed, he later stole one of Molotov’s girlfriends.

He was “attractive”, Zhenya Alliluyeva, his future sister-in-law and probable mistress, recalled.

“He was a thin man, strong and energetic (with) an incredible shock of hair and shining eyes.”

Everyone always mentions that he was that “man with the burning eyes”.

He was mysterious, haughty, cold, watchful and foxily cunning as well as being eccentric and surprisingly intellectual. And then there was his nationality: the Georgians were the Italians of the Russian Empire, regarded as passionate and romantic.

But if the ladies expected a traditional Georgian Casanova, they must have been bitterly disappointed when they grew to know him better.

He seethed with complexes, and was shy about a stiff arm he had suffered since birth, along with his webbed toes and pockmarks.

The tender moments could not compensate for the glacial detachment and morose over-sensitivity.

Young Stalin seduced many women, but the Revolution always came first. The self-obsessed Marxist knight felt he could ride into the sunset, breaking engagements and abandoning children, whenever the Revolution called.

This is what happened to Lidia.

In October 1916, Stalin was conscripted into the Tsarist army but both he and officials must have known that his stiff arm would not pass medical examination.

Locals claim Stalin put his name on the conscription list with “a false certificate”, to escape his marital obligations.

Stalin did not hang around in Kureika. He quickly said goodbye, giving one lady who had looked after him “a signed photograph and two overcoats”.

Then, “seen off like a real hero”, he set off. It is not known whether he said goodbye to Lidia.

After he was gone, in roughly April 1917, Lidia gave birth to a son, Alexander.

She did not tell Stalin, who never contacted her, but somehow he heard: he later told his sister-in-law Anna Alliluyeva of his Siberian son.

He was utterly unfettered by paternal feelings or even sentimental curiosity.

In February 1917, the Russian Revolution started in faraway St Petersburg. The Tsar abdicated and on March 12, Stalin arrived in the city.

In the summer of that year, he started his affair with another 16-year-old schoolgirl, Nadya Alliluyeva, who became his second wife.

When the Bolsheviks came to power in October 1917, Stalin became one of Lenin’s top henchmen. Henceforth, his wild affairs in exile – especially his seduction and impregnation of a 13-year-old, his engagement to her and then abandonment – became secret.

Well, how’s that for “Virgin Hitler versus Chad Stalin” for ya? Indeed, the contrast between the two serves not only as amusement – it teaches us something crucial about puritanism, namely: that a person who is prudish about one issue (e.g. promiscuous sex in general) is likely to be prudish about other issues as well (such as teenage sexuality). And it goes vice versa too.

Now, some readers might claim, “Surreal, you’re just trying to get back at Hitler because you’re Jewish, aren’t you?” Nah, not really. The person who established the Manospherian Worldview, the one who came up with the Alpha-Beta-Omega heuristic, the one who invented “Alpha Fucks, Beta Bucks,” Mr. Heartiste himself, wrote a whole post about Hitler being a beta male, and at that, one with omega tendencies.

In all fairness to Hitler, though, “beta male with omega tendencies” seems like an apt description of most of us, isn’t it?

Well, anyway. Stalin fucked (and impregnated) a 13-year-old, and some other teenagers also. Maybe we can use that fact to troll the Antifa terrorist organization. Hey, Nathan, perhaps next time the Antifa terrorists come after you, you can tell them, “Guys, I’m just following in Comrade Stalin’s example – now back off.”

But seriously, whenever you contemplate the history of the Soviet Union, always keep in mind the fact that Joseph Stalin enjoyed bareback sex with Lidia Pereprygia. If his Revolution was successful, so can ours be.